Post-Op Day Four

Post-Op Day Four


        Jack was still having the pressure headaches all morning on day 4. We stayed at his bedside ready to jump up and console him every few minutes when he would stir and start to cry and thrash around. He started having one particularly bad episode and his sats started falling into the 50s. We didn't make too much of it because he had been doing this all night but then his sats suddenly fell to the 40s, then the 30s, then when they hit the 20s our nurse, Ashley, yelled out for someone to get Dr. Borisino. By the time that he got to Jack's bed, the sats had reached the teens. If the 60s aren't good, imagine how bad the teens are. 
        You could see the panic in their faces as they ran around his bed, throwing stuff and yelling out commands to each other. Suddenly our little corner was filled with doctors and nurses. Dr. Borisino put the oxygen mask on Jack's little face and was bagging him repeatedly trying to get his sats to rise back up while his nurses and other doctors got stuff ready to reintubate. Dr. Borisino was trying to wait to see if he would snap out of it but he never did. After a few minutes, they made the decision and a nurse pushed the paralyzing medicine into his IV. Jack went from crying and thrashing in their arms to completely limp in one second flat. It was terrifying. 
         Dr. Borisino looked back and asked if we were ok to stay and watch this. I couldn't say anything. Josh said yes. Then we watched as they pushed the tube back down his throat and got him set back up on the vent. Then doctor Borisino bagged him some more until his sats rose back up. Then they loaded him back up on medication and got him stabilized again. What sounds like something that happened in a matter of seconds really was about 10 minutes if not longer...and certainly felt like a lifetime. 
          When he was done, Dr. Borisino turned to talk to me and Josh. He explained that Jack wasn't tolerating being off the vent any longer and they didn't really have a choice. They were basically just going to let him rest for a few days and give the pressure in his lungs some time to relax before they extubated him again. Really he would be better off this way because he was in so much pain when he was awake. He explained that they would likely keep him pretty heavily sedated to allow his sats to stay up and give him a few days to adjust a little more to the new pressures. In the mean time, he could sleep and wouldn't be in any pain at all. 
          This whole experience has been traumatic to say the least but if you ask me what has been the scariest moment, it was this one. See, the thing about it was that if the doctor had enough time to explain what was happening before they came over and started tossing our baby around like a rag doll, then it might not have been so bad... but it all happened so fast and was so intense that we weren't sure if Jack was still going to be ok. We knew that they were reintubating him but we didn't know exactly what was wrong or how bad it was. It felt like we were living in a scene on Grey's Anatomy or ER except it was real and it was our son. 
          The moment was so surreal. I was frozen in fear. On the inside I had the strongest need to just go yank all of the cords off of him and just hold him in my arms. Up until this surgery, that was all he ever needed to be ok. I could pick him up and look into his big blue eyes and sing him a song and he would smile up at me as if he were saying, "Thanks Mommy, I feel better now." Standing there watching helpless as a team of doctors and nurses shove needles, tubes, and wires into his lifeless body was horrifying. The worst moment of my life to date. Period. 

<3-----------------------------------------------------------------------<3

       Fear is an emotiion that we can't escape. As human beings, we have been subjected to the feeling of fear every since Eve took a bite of that apple. The Bible says that Adam hid from God because he was afraid. This was the first time that the Bible mentions fear. It didn't take long (The third chapter to be exact.) for God to jump into what appears to be one of His main points throughout the entire Bible. 



But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”  Genesis 3:9-10


       Fear is certainly an underlying theme throughout the Bible. God tells his people not to be afraid. He wants us to be able to lean totally upon him and not on our own understanding. Its our own understand from which fear is born and bred. If we can master the art of truly trusting God and overcoming fear, we would find peace and rest like no promise from a doctor could ever provide.
        Why is it that its easier to find comfort in the words of a doctor than in the promises of God himself? After all, only He really knows whats going to happen. A doctor can make me a thousand promises but he doesn't actually know what's going to happen to my son. Only God does...and He doesn't just know what's going to happen. He wrote the story of Jack's life Himself. What more comfort could I possibly need?
       And yet I find myself seeking out our doctors and bombarding them with questions about Jack's condition, his prognosis, and his future. I'm constantly longing to hear them say that he'll live to be an old man with a rocking chair and a bunch of grandkids. And who's to say that heart disease will even be what ends his life? Who's to say that his life will even end? Who's to say that Jesus Christ won't come riding his white horse over the clouds tomorrow morning before all of the answers to my thousands of questions ever even mattered?  
        Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I'm going to stop asking questions any time soon. I'm still human and no matter what amount of faith I can muster, I still have a human heart filled with fear and questions. And I also believe in medicine. I believe that God granted humans the capacity to know and understand how the body works and how to fix things that are broken. 
         It's finding the right balance of the two that takes a real relationship with God. It's a daily walk. To be able to ask our doctors all of the questions and get all of the facts and then lay it all down at the feet of the God who loves me and who most certainly loves my son... It takes a lot of faith. Sometimes I have enough. Other times I fall short. I feel like God understands. Who better understands the love of a parent for their child than our heavenly father? 
         I said all of that to say this... Fear is pointless. It goes against what God wants for us and from us. But that doesn't make it any easier to let go of the fear and trust God. I'm working on that everyday. I haven't quite gotten it figured out yet. Probably never will. But in the eyes of God, working on it is enough. That's what makes our God so amazing. He doesn't expect us to be perfect or to always get it right. He just wants our best. And right now my best is to try....and I'm trying. I really am. 
          
2 Timothy 1:7


“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”


Isaiah 41:10


“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”


Psalm 23:4

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Psalm 21:7

"The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?"