It's hard to make yourself believe that the fire won't set you ablaze when you can see the fire coming right for you. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No-one who can stand between you and the fire. Its your fire. And you have to walk into it. And you have to trust that it won't take you down.
There are some days when I know I have the faith of David. The kind of faith that says bring it on Goliath. I'm not scared. Then some days that kind of faith is harder to come by. There are days when I can take a deep breath and step into the furnace 100% sure that I'm ready for whatever may come. But there are other days when the furnace is Goliath and I am NOT David.
Its easy to sing Oceans. To praise the God of the universe and know in my heart that He is sovereign and He LOVES me. But to stand before him and ASK him to lead me where my trust is without borders... Let me tell you friend, you better know what you're asking before you say those words out loud with true conviction. Because He will. And it will be glorious. But that glory lives on the other side of the fire. And there is only one way to get there.
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In our journey with Jack we have experienced many scary days. However, undoubtedly this day four years ago takes the cake. The day Jack crashed. You can find the full story in my older blog posts- Four Days Post-Op. It was just like a scene from Grey's Anatomy. But real. And my baby. And horrifying. And there was no by-passing that fire. As I read back over the blog posts from Jack's post-op hospital stay after the Glenn I'm reminded of all of the bad things that happened. Everyday seemed to bring worse news than the day before. Ultimately I remember the night when he started throwing up blood. I'm no doctor but I know what that means. We were at the end of the line. And the doctors weren't confident that they would find a solution to all of Jack's issues in time.
You don't know fear until you've faced the possibility of losing one of your children. (And for my precious friends who have lived through that nightmare, my love and my heart and my daily prayers for continued strength go out to you.) I wish I could say that I can't imagine, but unfortunately, I can.
I think a lot of times we draw a line in the sand for God. Here Lord, you can have all of these things. Use me any way you want. But these things here behind the line... they're mine. Don't touch them. And let me just tell you...My kids... They aren't anywhere near that line.
But the truth is that the love that we have for our children that feels so deep and so heavy that sometimes the fear of losing them or seeing them get hurt suffocates us, God loves US so much more than that. And when He takes us by the hand and walks us toward the fire, He has a purpose. And it's always for our own good. After all, this life is not about this life at all. It's about our eternal life with him. For today, we're just passing through. And the more we build our faith in Him and allow Him to use us to lead others to Him, the more glory there will be for us when we get to the other side.
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"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."
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So for today, I'm doing my best to keep my eyes above the waves and to remember that I am His, and He is mine. His plan for Jack far exceeds this chapter of his story. I'm thankful to be used in even a small way but His plan for Jack is BIG. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for him on the other side of this fire.
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