Heart Problem

I want to begin this post by letting you know that this is a highly emotional, highly personal account of the day that Jack was born. It was a difficult day to say the least. I have included many details that I feel are necessary to understand the story and left out the details that I feel are too personal or too difficult to share. For the most part, its all here. Please just remember that as I was writing this post I had to take many breaks to feed, hold, and cuddle my sweet baby boy. I fear that it would be easy to get lost in the emotion of this post and forget that my happy, growing baby boy is sitting right here in my arms six weeks later..and he's doing great. Just know that God is good. He was with us throughout this entire day and he is with us still. He has a big plan for Baby Jack.


All that being said...here it is.




So they put my sweet baby boy into my arms for the first time and wheeled us out of the OR. My eyes were fixed on his precious face. I studied his tiny features as we made our way back to our room. When we turned the corner I could see that the hallway outside of our room was packed with our family, lining the walls with cameras ready... Like a mob of paparazzi.


As soon as we got back into our room, they took the baby from me. They allowed our family into the room for a few minutes while they got him situated across the room from me. Our whole family crowded around him until the room was so packed that I couldn't see him anymore. I watched their faces as they met him for the first time.

Then the nurses asked our family to clear out of the room and reassured them that they could all come back soon. When the room was empty one of the nurses was suctioning fluid out of the babies mouth. He would cry, then cough, then cry again. She explained to me that he had a lot of fluid that still needed to come out and that because of that fluid, his breathing wasn't quite up to par.


"Nothing to worry about," she said. "Happens all the time."


She hooked him up to a little machine that measured his oxygen saturation. She said it was low. I didn't know what that meant. They explained to me that the number on the screen should be around 90 and his was sitting right at 70. She told me that she had to call the NICU and ask the doctor if they wanted him to come down there for a while. I heard her on the phone asking him if the baby couldn't stay in our room. He said no. They were coming to get him.


I started to cry. I didn't understand what was happening. He was just born a few minutes ago. It was all happening really fast. This was not at all how I pictured this day. I was supposed to be trying to nurse for the first time and then my family was supposed to come back so that we could all stare at him in adoration for several hours. Now they were taking him from me and I wouldn't see him for four whole hours?


What were they going to do to him? Why couldn't I go? Was he going to be ok?


Our nurse Erica came over and told me not to worry. She told me that this happens often with c-section babies because they don't have to do any work to get out. She said it causes them to retain fluid in their lungs. She told me that they would keep him in the NICU for a four hour observation then they would bring him back to me.


The NICU people came into the room with one of those awful covered incubators. They asked if I wanted to hold him again for a few minutes before they took him. Of course I said yes. The few minutes passed much too quickly, then they took him from me and put him in that glass box. I cried. They said he was blue and that scared me. Then they took him down to the NICU. Josh kissed me, told me that the baby was going to be fine, then followed them down there.


Then it was just me and Erica in the room. I was really upset. I was overwhelmed and really confused about what was wrong with him.


Was it serious?


"Don't worry," she said. "It's not like he's going to die or anything. He'll be fine."


It seemed like a really harsh thing for her to say but truthfully, it was exactly what I needed to hear. After all, I was a brand new mommy who had just met my baby only minutes ago. Then had him ripped from my arms and hauled off in a glass box surrounded by doctors that were all saying things I didn't understand. It was terrifying.


Once they were gone and I had been pumped full of drugs to prepare me for the feeling to come back which was going to be seriously painful, they allowed our family to come back into the room with me.


For anyone who has ever had major abdominal surgery, you understand that no amount of pain medicine  could ever be enough when the feeling first comes back. It hurt. A lot. The feeling came back as I waited to hear from Josh. It was also a moment of heavy emotion for me. I cried a lot. This made the pain worse. Then I cried more because it hurt so bad. It was a catch-22 cycle of pain and tears.


After a while of waiting, I started to worry. I know my husband and I knew that too much time had passed. I tried calling him. No answer. I tried texting him. No response. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I knew he would have called me by now. He knows how I worry.


Our family had gone back out into the waiting area and it was just my mom and me in my room when Josh came back in. He was out of breath. He had ran back to me. The moment that he came around the corner and I saw his face, I knew something was wrong. He was scared.


He sat down on the bed next to me and took my hands. Tears welled in his eyes. He tried to choke them back. He wanted to be strong for me.


"What is it? Tell me whats wrong. Tell me right now!" I said as my heart thudded in my chest. It seemed like a century before he spoke.


"Somethings wrong with his heart."


He broke down. Tears fell.


I didn't understand. The room was spinning. I was sure he was wrong. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It was the most intense out of body experience I have ever experienced. I wanted him to take it back. To say it wasn't true. I just didn't understand how this was possible. Was he going to die? I was in shock.


My mom left the room to give us a moment. The rest of that moment was private and highly emotional. I won't share the details with you but I will say that it was the hardest moment of my life.


In that time Josh shared with me what the nurses and doctors in the NICU had told him. When they brought Jack down to monitor his oxygen saturation, they hooked him up to monitors. While one of the nurses was sitting close by, she heard what sounded like a heart murmer. She called the doctor who then called UAB. They knew there was a problem with his heart but at that point they had no idea what that problem was or how serious. They were going to transfer him to the NICU at UAB to have some tests run. The ambulance would take him there at 8:00pm. We would know more in the morning.


Soon enough our family filled the room. They wanted to be there for us but no one knew what to say.


I decided right then that I was going to him. I wasn't going to lie in that hospital bed not knowing what was going on. Not knowing what they were doing to my baby. He needed me. I didn't care what they said.


My nurse brought me a wheelchair. Getting out of the bed and into that wheelchair only a little over an hour after my surgery was pretty rough to say the least. Once I got situated, they put a blanket in my lap and she wheeled me down to the NICU.


She was a horrible driver. She hit every bump without hesitation and even ran me into the baby's incubator when we got down there. I don't think I'll ever forget that ride.


Once we got down there they situated me in my wheelchair right in front of the baby. He was already hooked up to all kinds of monitors and had tiny IVs in both tiny hands.




The nurse asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes, of course. She bundled him up and handed him to me. For the next few hours, I sat in that wheelchair, holding my new son, speaking scripture over him and begging God for mercy.


Please God. Let him be ok. Please.


Josh stayed at my side. My dad and my mom took turns holding a wet cloth on the back of my neck and pushing my hair out of my face. The rest of our families took turns standing in the room with us. We said several prayers together.


Looking back now, that evening is a blur. I don't think I saw anything but his tiny face for several hours. Since then we've seen some videos and pictures that were taken in that room during that time and I don't even remember seeing most of the people that were there. It was a time of intense emotion and close connection to God. He was in that room with us. I have no doubt about that.


As 8:00 drew near, I got nervous. They were taking him and Josh was going with him. It was the most devastating feeling to know that I couldn't be there with him. He needed me. Josh needed me. I felt so helpless.


They chose a nurse who would ride in the ambulance with him. She assured me that she would take good care of him. They took him from me and placed him back in the incubator. We prayed one more time and then I said my tearful goodbyes to Jack and to Josh. It was harder that I could ever explain.


We followed them down the hallway as far as they would let us but then they told us that I had to go back to my room. They wouldn't let me go any further. I watched them until they were out of my sight. Then they took me back to my room.


As for the rest of that night, I'll be honest, I don't remember much. I remember some visitors but by the end of the night, it was just me and my mom. She spent the night on the couch in my room. She helped me whenever I needed to make those dreaded trips to the bathroom. Of course, I didn't sleep. The first night was bad. I stayed in constant contact with Josh and he sent me videos and pictures every few minutes. I was in a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. I spent a lot of time in prayer. The room was dark and silent. I just talked to God.


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The purpose of sharing this part of our story with you is, by no means, to bum you out. Its actually quite the opposite. I want to remind you that God is good. He wants the very best for us and he wants us to be happy in this life. He never puts us through any trial that we cannot overcome and He never allows us to step into a battle that we cannot win. He was with us throughout this tough day and He is with us still. Jack has defied every odd and has won every battle he has faced so far and I know that he will continue to do so as we proceed into the future. God has a purpose. He has a plan. We have 100% faith in His plan and we will walk through the fire because we know that our victory awaits us on the other side. We WILL watch our little boy grow up into a strong man of God and in 30 years we will look back on this day and we will know exactly what God's plan was all along and we will celebrate any and every opportunity that God allowed each of us to be used for His glory. 

"Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:17