Trading Fear for Peace

Peace.  

Peace is something that we all take for granted until we need it. When we need it, peace can be hard to come by. I see people that I love struggling to find peace in their lives and I know that my heart knows the magnitude of its value more than most. 

With Jack's next surgery just around the corner, I've been struggling lately to find peace. Everyone tells me that its natural to be scared after what we went through last time. Jack's Glenn surgery didn't go as planned. It was, by far, the scariest time of our lives. There were moments when we didn't know if we were going to get to bring our baby home. He got so sick. His heart didn't respond like other kids' hearts usually do. And he was just a baby then. 

This time around he's four years old. A little person. He's got his own, larger-than-life personality.  He's wild and fearless and spoiled rotten. He loves to play and watch videos on youtube. He LOVES his baby brother. He's simply wonderful. He fills our days with joy and laughter and I honestly don't know who or where we would be without him. 

All of that just makes this time around that much harder. This time I'm not just scared of surgery. Don't get me wrong. I'm very scared of surgery. More scared than I could possibly express. But there is an additional element this time that we didn't have to deal with last time. This time he's not just a baby. He's our little boy. And how do we even begin to tell him what he is about to face? He is about to experience more pain and more fear than most experience in a lifetime. And nothing about that is fair. 

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One thing I learned about life the day that my son was born is that life is just not fair sometimes. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes you just have to give it to God and know that even though He doesn't want the pain for us, He can still use it to make us into what He created us to be. Because there is one thing I know for sure... God does not want us to be afraid. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  -John 16:33

Fear is a part of our human nature. But that doesn't mean that we should allow ourselves to succumb to it. Part of our journey as Christians is to submit to Him daily, even when we don't know His plan. Even when His plan might not line up with our plan. His word says He will never leave us or forsake us. That means that He is always with us. He's with us in the darkest moments. He's with us on the brightest days. Always is always. 

God doesn't say that we might possibly have trouble. He says that we WILL have trouble. Sin turned God's perfect creation into a fallen world and because of that, we all experience trouble from time to time. Regardless of the trouble that we face though, we know that God can pour peace into our spirits if we will only allow Him to do so. 

Now let me just tell you... I can hold onto my fears just as tightly as the next person. Believe me. There are nights where I just want to cry all night. I just want to let it out and embrace the darkness. It is what our human nature tells us to do. Cry. Feel sorry for yourself. You don't deserve this. And I would be lying if I told you that I don't do it. I give in. I cry. I get crazy and have anxiety attacks and my poor, sweet husband has to calm me down and remind me to breathe again. But that is not the way that God wants us to handle our fear. He doesn't want us to let fear have our hearts. He wants us to give our fear to Him and let Him exchange it for peace. 

Sounds easy, right? Here God. You take this awful situation and give me peace and tell me that it's all going to be fine and I'll just go on with my life like it isn't happening. 

Nope. That's just denial. I do that sometimes too. 

Exchanging fear for peace is much more than just pretending like your fear isn't there. It's truly learning to trust God to handle the situation. And it's hard. 

Exchanging fear for peace is hard because it takes time and work. You have to dedicate yourself to God's Word and to prayer and you have to be vulnerable to Him and His will for your life. You have to relinquish control. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not good at giving up control of anything. In fact, I would venture to say that my friends and family would probably call me a control freak. So giving God complete control is always a work in progress. And I mess it up and take my fears back all the time. I'm certainly no example to follow in this area. It's something I'm working on though. It's something God is working on within me. And I'm thankful for the lessons, though they are difficult ones to learn. 


"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1

God's plan is already in place. He already sees the light on the other side of the darkness that stands in front of us. And He stands between the darkness and us and He shields us because He is our refuge. He pours His strength into our veins and breathes His peace into our hearts as we walk through to the other side. Then He heals the wounds that are left and leaves us only with scars that remind us who we once were and how far He has brought us. 

2016, because time just never stops.

2015 was one of the most extraordinarily blessed years of my life. I got to welcome another amazing, wonderful, perfect little boy into the world. Harrison Asher Odom was born on July 3rd and has completely changed our world in the most wonderful way. We also bought our new home this year and did lots of other really great stuff. We are so thankful for God's many blessings in our lives.

So here we are. At the beginning of a new year and the road ahead is going to be a little different this time around. Two big things are coming up for me and my family this year...

So first of all...

I officially resigned as the varsity cheer coach at Curry. At the end of this school year I will be passing the torch along to someone else. I was going to wait until we got back from Disney and our official cheer year ended to share the news but word has gotten out and several people have already asked me about it and I wanted to make sure that I got the opportunity to explain my decision before the unavoidable speculation began. This decision came after much prayer and serious consideration but it came down to the overwhelming time commitment and with Jack's surgery coming up and Harrison growing like a weed before our very eyes, the timing is right and God has granted me and Josh the peace we prayed for concerning this major life changing decision. I will continue teaching science at CHS and doing all of the other stuff I do and I will help the new cheer coach in any way that I can.

Over the past 3 years I have had the blessed opportunity to watch a group of beautiful and talented girls grow into strong and independent young ladies and I have no doubt that they are going to take the world by storm wherever the Lord leads them. They have filled my life with so much laughter and joy over the past 3 years. Together we have made memories that will live on for years to come. I can only hope that they know how much they mean to me and the impact that they have had on my life. God placed me in this position for a reason and I pray that I did what He called me to do, which was so much more than just winning titles.

I'm thankful for all of the love and support that I have been shown over the past 3 years as I learned how to navigate this truly difficult job. Cheer is so much more than most people could ever even begin to imagine. And I undeniably loved almost every minute of it! Through all of the teenage drama, endless ballgames, injuries and sicknesses, victories and defeats, one thing never changed... we were a team and we were in it together.

To the girls and their parents, my co-workers and administration, the students of CHS, the community of Curry, UCA and Varsity-- Thank you. This has been an incredible journey for which I will always be thankful. I will never forget this time period in my life and I am forever grateful for all of those who supported, loved, and encouraged me along the way.

We're going to end our time together in style.. At the UCA National High School Cheerleading Championship in Disney World. We leave 3 weeks from today. And I have no doubt that my girls are going to give the world one last big reminder of who they are and what they can do. I can't wait to watch them take those mats. They've worked all year for this one moment and they are going to be amazing, I have no doubt. And I'm thankful that I get that one last opportunity to spend time with them in the happiest place on earth.

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Then, of course... There is the cath.


33 days. We have 33 days until we have to hand our boy over for the first step of a two-step process. On February 17th Jack will undergo his third heart cath. They will put him to sleep and then go in through the groin and up into his heart to look around and decide for sure the path that they need to take for his upcoming surgery.

33 days feels like an eternity. 33 days to live every waking second with only one real thought in my head- my baby on that table. Its just shy of too much to handle.

Over the next 33 days we will work our way through the explanation and preparation process. We want Jack to understand as much as his sweet little 4 year old mind can understand about what is going on and why this is happening to him. We want him to feel ready, strong, and brave. We are praying that God will equip him with all of those things and more when the time comes. Our faith is strong and we are ready to face it. As ready as we will ever be.

If all goes according to plan, and that is a big IF because it did not go as planned for us last time, then we will be scheduling surgery for right after I get out of school so that I can have the entire summer to be home with him for recovery.

We are praying for a completely and totally different experience this time around. Anyone who kept up with our story last time knows that Jack had a very difficult time  with his Glenn surgery. He didn't respond as most kids do to the new blood flow and his sats stayed dangerously low for nearly a month. We watched our son grow sicker and weaker for almost a month in the CICU until God gave us the miracle that we had been waiting for. And as they say, the rest is history. It is, however, a history that our hearts will never forget. And this is one of the most compelling causes for our deep seated anxiety as we move into round 2.

That being said, let me be clear about one thing. I KNOW the God that we serve is bigger than CHD. My fears are human fears. I'm a mom. My world revolves around my boys. BUT my faith is in the Lord and I know that He will provide. He has constantly been pouring His grace over me and my family as we have walked through this journey and I know that these coming months He will continue to do so.

This time we are facing a completely different situation. Our son is not a baby anymore. He's a little boy. Full of fire and life. He is, I'm quite certain, the smartest 4 year old on the planet. He doesn't miss a thing. And he will be completely aware of all that is happening to him this time. Only, he's not old enough to understand why. Actually, I still don't understand why. I know that God has a why and He will tell me someday but for now we just have to keep on trusting in Him and His plan for our earthly future. And at the end of the day, no matter the struggles and no matter the pain, our God will provide.

 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4: 6-7

At the end of this year my family and I are going to go to Disney World. It will be Jack's third trip and Harrison's first. We, of course, can't wait. We love Disney. Like, a lot. And when we get there I can't wait to look back on this year and know that all of it is over. The cath, the surgery, the fear, the struggle. It will be over. And we're going to celebrate with Mickey and some magic. As for what happens after that... that will just be for God to decide. And He has taken good care of us so far so I feel pretty good about Him being in the driver's seat.