Our bags are packed and I think we are about as ready as we're ever going to be. Today was great. We got to take a tour of the hospital to see all of the different places we will be throughout our stay. Jack got to meet Lego Man and they gave him a really cool box of Jake and the Neverland Pirates Lego Duplos and a cool lego picture frame for his picture with Lego Man. He was SUPER brave for all of his pre-op testing. He only cried once and that was for the awful blood work! All of the nurses and doctors that we met were wonderful and treated Jack like he was the ONLY kid on the planet! He loved all of the attention! Once we were done there we came home to spend one last afternoon with brother before we have to be away from him for a little while. Now Jack is out on the golf cart with his daddy, Harrison is asleep for the night, and I am taking a break from packing to get all of my last pre-fontan thoughts out.
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I think I should tell you guys that I am not just blogging for you. I DO want to update all of Jack's amazing prayer warriors but I also blog for Jack and for us. After Jack's first surgery I made him a Mixbook with all of the different pictures of him and included all of my blogs. That way when he's older he can go back and read all about his surgeries and all of the things that happened to him.
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So here is how tomorrow will go...
We will arrive at Children's at 6am and check in. They will take Jack back to a pre-op room where we will meet with his surgeon,anesthesiologist, and other doctors to go over what all they will do. We already know most of it and got a chance to ask question today but tomorrow is a one-more-time, just-in-case kind of deal. In the meantime he will get a dose of versed to make him loopy so that he won't mind going with the doctors when its time to go back. At around 7:00 they'll let our family flood his room to give hugs and kisses and say see-you-later. Then they will allow Josh and I to walk him to the OR doors. Then we have to say our own see-you-laters. (Prayers for peace for mom and dad during that time. That is the hardest part.) Once they're back there they will put Jack under using a mask. He will experience no pain at all. Once he's under then they will start to run his lines and get him prepped. Prep takes around an hour. Once they're ready to begin they will call us and let us know. We will be in the waiting room with our family and friends. I will post and let everyone know when the call comes. The second call will come when they're ready to put Jack onto bypass. The goal is for him to stay on bypass for 45 minutes or less but it could take up to an hour. We're praying that they don't have any bleeds (like last time) that would cause him to have to stay on bypass longer than necessary. We'll get a third call when they're ready to take him off and start his heart back up. They'll call once more when the surgery is over and they are ready to close him up. Closing up can take hours because they will be sewing layers together. Once Dr. Dabal is done he will come out and meet with Josh and I and tell us about the surgery. When Jack is done they will move him to his room in the CICU. Once he is all set up in his room Josh and I will be able to see him. They told us today that we should expect for him to be intubated and sedated for most, if not all of the first day. They will attempt to extubatne him either tomorrow night or Friday morning. Please pray for his saturations to SOAR so that he can breathe on his own. This was or biggest challenge last time around but we are believing fully for a better outcome this time around.
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No one will be allowed to see Jack tomorrow after surgery except for me and Josh. This is for his safety as he will be in a very critical state. Once he has had time to be taken off the vent and woken up we will allow our immediate family members to come back and see him. They told us to expect to be there for at least a week but not to be surprised if we stay longer than that. In our experience anything less than a month is a blessing so we will just take it a day at a time.
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We are praying and believing for a miracle. We trust God to provide Jack will an exceptional surgery tomorrow and an amazing and quick recovery. Please pray with us specifically for those things. Our faith is in a God who can move mountains. All glory and honor and praise to Him regardless of what lies ahead for us.
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When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. -Isaiah 43:2
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Friday, May 20, 2016
In Oceans Deep
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
It's hard to make yourself believe that the fire won't set you ablaze when you can see the fire coming right for you. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No-one who can stand between you and the fire. Its your fire. And you have to walk into it. And you have to trust that it won't take you down.
There are some days when I know I have the faith of David. The kind of faith that says bring it on Goliath. I'm not scared. Then some days that kind of faith is harder to come by. There are days when I can take a deep breath and step into the furnace 100% sure that I'm ready for whatever may come. But there are other days when the furnace is Goliath and I am NOT David.
Its easy to sing Oceans. To praise the God of the universe and know in my heart that He is sovereign and He LOVES me. But to stand before him and ASK him to lead me where my trust is without borders... Let me tell you friend, you better know what you're asking before you say those words out loud with true conviction. Because He will. And it will be glorious. But that glory lives on the other side of the fire. And there is only one way to get there.
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In our journey with Jack we have experienced many scary days. However, undoubtedly this day four years ago takes the cake. The day Jack crashed. You can find the full story in my older blog posts- Four Days Post-Op. It was just like a scene from Grey's Anatomy. But real. And my baby. And horrifying. And there was no by-passing that fire. As I read back over the blog posts from Jack's post-op hospital stay after the Glenn I'm reminded of all of the bad things that happened. Everyday seemed to bring worse news than the day before. Ultimately I remember the night when he started throwing up blood. I'm no doctor but I know what that means. We were at the end of the line. And the doctors weren't confident that they would find a solution to all of Jack's issues in time.
You don't know fear until you've faced the possibility of losing one of your children. (And for my precious friends who have lived through that nightmare, my love and my heart and my daily prayers for continued strength go out to you.) I wish I could say that I can't imagine, but unfortunately, I can.
I think a lot of times we draw a line in the sand for God. Here Lord, you can have all of these things. Use me any way you want. But these things here behind the line... they're mine. Don't touch them. And let me just tell you...My kids... They aren't anywhere near that line.
But the truth is that the love that we have for our children that feels so deep and so heavy that sometimes the fear of losing them or seeing them get hurt suffocates us, God loves US so much more than that. And when He takes us by the hand and walks us toward the fire, He has a purpose. And it's always for our own good. After all, this life is not about this life at all. It's about our eternal life with him. For today, we're just passing through. And the more we build our faith in Him and allow Him to use us to lead others to Him, the more glory there will be for us when we get to the other side.
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"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."
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So for today, I'm doing my best to keep my eyes above the waves and to remember that I am His, and He is mine. His plan for Jack far exceeds this chapter of his story. I'm thankful to be used in even a small way but His plan for Jack is BIG. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for him on the other side of this fire.
It's hard to make yourself believe that the fire won't set you ablaze when you can see the fire coming right for you. There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No-one who can stand between you and the fire. Its your fire. And you have to walk into it. And you have to trust that it won't take you down.
There are some days when I know I have the faith of David. The kind of faith that says bring it on Goliath. I'm not scared. Then some days that kind of faith is harder to come by. There are days when I can take a deep breath and step into the furnace 100% sure that I'm ready for whatever may come. But there are other days when the furnace is Goliath and I am NOT David.
Its easy to sing Oceans. To praise the God of the universe and know in my heart that He is sovereign and He LOVES me. But to stand before him and ASK him to lead me where my trust is without borders... Let me tell you friend, you better know what you're asking before you say those words out loud with true conviction. Because He will. And it will be glorious. But that glory lives on the other side of the fire. And there is only one way to get there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In our journey with Jack we have experienced many scary days. However, undoubtedly this day four years ago takes the cake. The day Jack crashed. You can find the full story in my older blog posts- Four Days Post-Op. It was just like a scene from Grey's Anatomy. But real. And my baby. And horrifying. And there was no by-passing that fire. As I read back over the blog posts from Jack's post-op hospital stay after the Glenn I'm reminded of all of the bad things that happened. Everyday seemed to bring worse news than the day before. Ultimately I remember the night when he started throwing up blood. I'm no doctor but I know what that means. We were at the end of the line. And the doctors weren't confident that they would find a solution to all of Jack's issues in time.
You don't know fear until you've faced the possibility of losing one of your children. (And for my precious friends who have lived through that nightmare, my love and my heart and my daily prayers for continued strength go out to you.) I wish I could say that I can't imagine, but unfortunately, I can.
I think a lot of times we draw a line in the sand for God. Here Lord, you can have all of these things. Use me any way you want. But these things here behind the line... they're mine. Don't touch them. And let me just tell you...My kids... They aren't anywhere near that line.
But the truth is that the love that we have for our children that feels so deep and so heavy that sometimes the fear of losing them or seeing them get hurt suffocates us, God loves US so much more than that. And when He takes us by the hand and walks us toward the fire, He has a purpose. And it's always for our own good. After all, this life is not about this life at all. It's about our eternal life with him. For today, we're just passing through. And the more we build our faith in Him and allow Him to use us to lead others to Him, the more glory there will be for us when we get to the other side.
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"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."
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So for today, I'm doing my best to keep my eyes above the waves and to remember that I am His, and He is mine. His plan for Jack far exceeds this chapter of his story. I'm thankful to be used in even a small way but His plan for Jack is BIG. And I can't wait to see what He has in store for him on the other side of this fire.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Guest blogging this week for Mother's Day
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Pre-Fontan Heart Cath
It's been almost 4 years since Jack's last surgery. Everything has changed so much that when we look back on that time in the hospital, it almost doesn't even feel real anymore. We've known for a long time that this spring was going to be the time for Jack's next surgery. It's been a dark cloud looming over our heads for years, but its always been so far into the future that it felt like we had plenty of time.
The last time we saw Dr. Law for Jack's 6-month check-up he said that everything looked good and asked us if we were ready to start talking about scheduling his next surgery. With Jack's heart doing so good after his last surgery, there was never any immediate need for him to have his next one so it was always pretty much left up to us. We could decide when it was best for our family. Of course, I always wanted Dr. Law to just tell us what he thought was best. Eventually, after a lot of talking, praying, and waiting we decided that this coming summer would be best. That way he will have plenty of time to recover and get back to his normal self before he starts to kindergarten next year.
Dr. Law told us that we would schedule his cath for February and then surgery around the end of May so that I could be home with him for the entire summer during his recovery.
We got the call to schedule about two months ago. February 17th. It was on a Wednesday. Then, while I was in Disney World with the cheerleaders I got the prep call. That's the call where they tell you all about what to expect, when he can eat and drink, what to bring, etc. That's when it started to feel really real.
The week leading up to the procedure was full of fear, extra kisses, long talks, and tears. (All of the tears and fear came from Mommy, Jack was always brave and ready.) We talked to Jack a lot about the upcoming procedure. We never want him to be taken by surprise when we walk into a hospital and hand him to strangers. We want him to understand whats happening and why. We explained as much as we could both about his extra special heart and what was going to happen when we went to the hospital. He was excited because we told him he would get lots of "prizes" when he woke up from surgery. We prayed with him and for him a thousand times. We listened to his sweet voice pray for himself.
The night before the procedure we took Harrison to Nonna's for a sleepover. We were going to have to be at the hospital very early the next morning so we decided it was best if baby brother spent the night with Nonna so we didn't have to get him up early and out in the cold. Once we dropped him off we took Jack to his favorite place to eat- Cabo. He was wild and silly and sweet as always. We talked some more about surgery and prayed over him together before he fell asleep.
The next morning we woke our sleepy boy up and drove to Children's. They told us to pack an overnight bag just in case and Jack filled half of our suitcase with toys. When we got there they checked us in and put us in a room. Two very sweet nurses came in and explained what was going to happen and then Dr. Law came in and talked to us about the procedure and what he was going to do. He explained the risks. Then he said they would go back in about half an hour. Just after he left our family came in.Then the nurses came in to give Jack a dose of Versed and Tylenol. Little did we know at that time that giving him that medicine would be the worst part of the day. It took all four of us (two nurses and me and Josh) to hold him down and force the medicine down. He HATED it. Once they got the versed in they told him the tylenol would be "yummy". When they started to force the Tylenol in he loudly informed them that it was in fact "NOT YUMMY!!" ;)
Once that part was over we picked him up and loved on him. Then the nurse practitioner came in to ask questions for his chart. It was about 4 minutes after the medicine went down when Jack's little head started to slide backward off of Josh's shoulder. He literally couldn't hold his own head up. Then he started to giggle. Silly giggles that I had never heard before. He was drunk as a skunk. We all laughed at him until we cried. He got drunker as the minutes passed and by the time the nurse practitioner left our room he was slurring his words and dropping every toy he tried to pick up. It was a much-needed moment of relief from the tension and stress where we all just watched him and laughed.
At around 7:30 a group of nurses came in to tell us it was time. Our family walked out to the waiting room and Josh carried Jack as they wheeled his empty bed back to the OR. When we got to the door- that was as far as we could go- they said it was time for us to hand him over. He was still very drunk and sleepy eyed but he looked up and reached for me. I grabbed his little limp hand and told him I loved him and would see him soon. Josh handed him to a very tiny doctor who could barely hold the weight of his limp-noodle body. They went around the corner and the doors closed behind them. I cried for a while in the hallway and then we went and sat in his room by ourselves for a few minutes while I got myself together.
Then we went to meet our family in the waiting room where we spent the next 3+ hours. We sat and sat and sat. Finally, after what felt like years, the nurse came out and said that me and Josh could go back now. We waited in his room and Dr. Law came in. He said that everything looked great. He was all smiles. He said Jack did really well and was resting in recovery now. He said they did have to coil one collateral vessel. But other than that it went well and Jack's heart was looking exceptionally good for his particular CHD. He said we had the official green light to move forward with the Fontan.
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{Collateral vessels are abnormal blood vessels that connect the aorta with the pulmonary arteries. The aorta is a blood vessel that carries blood from the heart to arteries throughout the body. Pulmonary arteries are the vessels that transfer blood from the heart back to the lungs for oxygen.
Everyone has collateral vessels, but they're normally small and not in use. They become enlarged in some people with congenital heart disease (heart disease that's present since birth). When a collateral vessel enlarges, it may let blood flow from an artery to an adjacent artery or it may carry blood downstream and then back to the same artery.
Collateral vessels can make the heart work harder and in some cases should be closed. These vessels can cause other medical conditions, such as myocardial ischemia, an insufficient blood supply to the middle muscular layer of the heart wall; congestive heart failure or the weakening of the heart; endocarditis, an infection of the heart's inner lining; stroke, caused by a lack of blood to the brain; and aneurysms, which are bulging or ballooning of a blood vessel wall. Collateral vessels affect children and adults and can be a congenital or acquired heart defect.
Cardiologist will often close collateral vessels as a interventional method to close venovenous fistulas, venocameral fistulas, coronary-cameral fistulas, aortopulmonary collateral vessels and more. Specialists in our Pediatric Cardiac Catheterization Laboratory close collateral vessels using a non-surgical procedure, called cardiac catheterization, and specially designed metal coils and plugs. The vessel closure takes about two and a half hours. In most cases, patients go home the same day as the procedure.
During cardiac catheterization a doctor inserts thin, flexible tubes called catheters into a vein in the leg or neck and threads them through the vein to the heart. Once in the heart, the catheters are used as conduits to place small metal coils or plugs in the collateral vessels. The coil causes a blood clot to form and close the vessel. Over time, tissue grows around the coil, forming a permanent seal.}
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Josh and I wanted in Jack's room around half an hour until a nurse finally came in and said that he was doing really great in recovery. She said he was awake and happy and was eating a purple popcicle. It was another 20 minutes or so until they wheeled him out of recovery and back to us. He was awake and happy to see us. He was still eating his popcicle. He looked so good. They told us he had to lie flat for 6 hours but that the procedure had gone so well that when the 6 hours was up we could take him home. :)
Josh went and got our family and they all came in to see him and bring him TONS of prizes. He got toys and books and puzzles and games. He was happy. He never once complained. The nurses came in and out taking his vitals and looking at his dressings. He was patient and brave. They came in to do an x-ray and said we had to leave the room. I stood outside the door and watched as he did every single thing they told him to do. He was so big.
We got to look at the x-ray and see the coil. It's HUGE. His little heart is so small and the coil looked giant in comparison but I know that it was necessary and will help his heart so I just had to accept it as a good thing. It will help Jack get the blood flow that he needs.
We really didn't think that Jack would lie flat even for one hour but he laid on that bed like a champion for SIX SOLID HOURS! We played with him and read to him and he watched Youtube videos. Time went by quickly. The crazy part was that he hated lying there. It wasn't like he was lying flat because he was satisfied. He didn't like it but he was so big and so mature that he knew he had to so he just did.
Where did my baby go? When did I get this big boy that lets doctors poke on him and lies flat just because we told him to? No tears all evening. Brave doesn't even begin to cover it. The only explanation for it was God. He was there and He made a way. And we could not be more thankful.
As always, a million thanks to everyone who lifted him (and us) up in prayer that day. We felt calm and peace and knew that God was answering the prayers of a multitude and we are forever grateful.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Trading Fear for Peace
Peace.
Peace is something that we all take for granted until we need it. When we need it, peace can be hard to come by. I see people that I love struggling to find peace in their lives and I know that my heart knows the magnitude of its value more than most.
With Jack's next surgery just around the corner, I've been struggling lately to find peace. Everyone tells me that its natural to be scared after what we went through last time. Jack's Glenn surgery didn't go as planned. It was, by far, the scariest time of our lives. There were moments when we didn't know if we were going to get to bring our baby home. He got so sick. His heart didn't respond like other kids' hearts usually do. And he was just a baby then.
This time around he's four years old. A little person. He's got his own, larger-than-life personality. He's wild and fearless and spoiled rotten. He loves to play and watch videos on youtube. He LOVES his baby brother. He's simply wonderful. He fills our days with joy and laughter and I honestly don't know who or where we would be without him.
All of that just makes this time around that much harder. This time I'm not just scared of surgery. Don't get me wrong. I'm very scared of surgery. More scared than I could possibly express. But there is an additional element this time that we didn't have to deal with last time. This time he's not just a baby. He's our little boy. And how do we even begin to tell him what he is about to face? He is about to experience more pain and more fear than most experience in a lifetime. And nothing about that is fair.
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One thing I learned about life the day that my son was born is that life is just not fair sometimes. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes you just have to give it to God and know that even though He doesn't want the pain for us, He can still use it to make us into what He created us to be. Because there is one thing I know for sure... God does not want us to be afraid.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Fear is a part of our human nature. But that doesn't mean that we should allow ourselves to succumb to it. Part of our journey as Christians is to submit to Him daily, even when we don't know His plan. Even when His plan might not line up with our plan. His word says He will never leave us or forsake us. That means that He is always with us. He's with us in the darkest moments. He's with us on the brightest days. Always is always.
God doesn't say that we might possibly have trouble. He says that we WILL have trouble. Sin turned God's perfect creation into a fallen world and because of that, we all experience trouble from time to time. Regardless of the trouble that we face though, we know that God can pour peace into our spirits if we will only allow Him to do so.
Now let me just tell you... I can hold onto my fears just as tightly as the next person. Believe me. There are nights where I just want to cry all night. I just want to let it out and embrace the darkness. It is what our human nature tells us to do. Cry. Feel sorry for yourself. You don't deserve this. And I would be lying if I told you that I don't do it. I give in. I cry. I get crazy and have anxiety attacks and my poor, sweet husband has to calm me down and remind me to breathe again. But that is not the way that God wants us to handle our fear. He doesn't want us to let fear have our hearts. He wants us to give our fear to Him and let Him exchange it for peace.
Sounds easy, right? Here God. You take this awful situation and give me peace and tell me that it's all going to be fine and I'll just go on with my life like it isn't happening.
Nope. That's just denial. I do that sometimes too.
Exchanging fear for peace is much more than just pretending like your fear isn't there. It's truly learning to trust God to handle the situation. And it's hard.
Exchanging fear for peace is hard because it takes time and work. You have to dedicate yourself to God's Word and to prayer and you have to be vulnerable to Him and His will for your life. You have to relinquish control. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not good at giving up control of anything. In fact, I would venture to say that my friends and family would probably call me a control freak. So giving God complete control is always a work in progress. And I mess it up and take my fears back all the time. I'm certainly no example to follow in this area. It's something I'm working on though. It's something God is working on within me. And I'm thankful for the lessons, though they are difficult ones to learn.
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1
God's plan is already in place. He already sees the light on the other side of the darkness that stands in front of us. And He stands between the darkness and us and He shields us because He is our refuge. He pours His strength into our veins and breathes His peace into our hearts as we walk through to the other side. Then He heals the wounds that are left and leaves us only with scars that remind us who we once were and how far He has brought us.
Peace is something that we all take for granted until we need it. When we need it, peace can be hard to come by. I see people that I love struggling to find peace in their lives and I know that my heart knows the magnitude of its value more than most.
With Jack's next surgery just around the corner, I've been struggling lately to find peace. Everyone tells me that its natural to be scared after what we went through last time. Jack's Glenn surgery didn't go as planned. It was, by far, the scariest time of our lives. There were moments when we didn't know if we were going to get to bring our baby home. He got so sick. His heart didn't respond like other kids' hearts usually do. And he was just a baby then.
This time around he's four years old. A little person. He's got his own, larger-than-life personality. He's wild and fearless and spoiled rotten. He loves to play and watch videos on youtube. He LOVES his baby brother. He's simply wonderful. He fills our days with joy and laughter and I honestly don't know who or where we would be without him.
All of that just makes this time around that much harder. This time I'm not just scared of surgery. Don't get me wrong. I'm very scared of surgery. More scared than I could possibly express. But there is an additional element this time that we didn't have to deal with last time. This time he's not just a baby. He's our little boy. And how do we even begin to tell him what he is about to face? He is about to experience more pain and more fear than most experience in a lifetime. And nothing about that is fair.
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One thing I learned about life the day that my son was born is that life is just not fair sometimes. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes you just have to give it to God and know that even though He doesn't want the pain for us, He can still use it to make us into what He created us to be. Because there is one thing I know for sure... God does not want us to be afraid.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
Fear is a part of our human nature. But that doesn't mean that we should allow ourselves to succumb to it. Part of our journey as Christians is to submit to Him daily, even when we don't know His plan. Even when His plan might not line up with our plan. His word says He will never leave us or forsake us. That means that He is always with us. He's with us in the darkest moments. He's with us on the brightest days. Always is always.
God doesn't say that we might possibly have trouble. He says that we WILL have trouble. Sin turned God's perfect creation into a fallen world and because of that, we all experience trouble from time to time. Regardless of the trouble that we face though, we know that God can pour peace into our spirits if we will only allow Him to do so.
Now let me just tell you... I can hold onto my fears just as tightly as the next person. Believe me. There are nights where I just want to cry all night. I just want to let it out and embrace the darkness. It is what our human nature tells us to do. Cry. Feel sorry for yourself. You don't deserve this. And I would be lying if I told you that I don't do it. I give in. I cry. I get crazy and have anxiety attacks and my poor, sweet husband has to calm me down and remind me to breathe again. But that is not the way that God wants us to handle our fear. He doesn't want us to let fear have our hearts. He wants us to give our fear to Him and let Him exchange it for peace.
Sounds easy, right? Here God. You take this awful situation and give me peace and tell me that it's all going to be fine and I'll just go on with my life like it isn't happening.
Nope. That's just denial. I do that sometimes too.
Exchanging fear for peace is much more than just pretending like your fear isn't there. It's truly learning to trust God to handle the situation. And it's hard.
Exchanging fear for peace is hard because it takes time and work. You have to dedicate yourself to God's Word and to prayer and you have to be vulnerable to Him and His will for your life. You have to relinquish control. And anyone who knows me at all knows that I am not good at giving up control of anything. In fact, I would venture to say that my friends and family would probably call me a control freak. So giving God complete control is always a work in progress. And I mess it up and take my fears back all the time. I'm certainly no example to follow in this area. It's something I'm working on though. It's something God is working on within me. And I'm thankful for the lessons, though they are difficult ones to learn.
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble." -Psalm 46:1
God's plan is already in place. He already sees the light on the other side of the darkness that stands in front of us. And He stands between the darkness and us and He shields us because He is our refuge. He pours His strength into our veins and breathes His peace into our hearts as we walk through to the other side. Then He heals the wounds that are left and leaves us only with scars that remind us who we once were and how far He has brought us.
Friday, January 15, 2016
2016, because time just never stops.
2015 was one of the most extraordinarily blessed years of my life. I got to welcome another amazing, wonderful, perfect little boy into the world. Harrison Asher Odom was born on July 3rd and has completely changed our world in the most wonderful way. We also bought our new home this year and did lots of other really great stuff. We are so thankful for God's many blessings in our lives.
So here we are. At the beginning of a new year and the road ahead is going to be a little different this time around. Two big things are coming up for me and my family this year...
So first of all...
I officially resigned as the varsity cheer coach at Curry. At the end of this school year I will be passing the torch along to someone else. I was going to wait until we got back from Disney and our official cheer year ended to share the news but word has gotten out and several people have already asked me about it and I wanted to make sure that I got the opportunity to explain my decision before the unavoidable speculation began. This decision came after much prayer and serious consideration but it came down to the overwhelming time commitment and with Jack's surgery coming up and Harrison growing like a weed before our very eyes, the timing is right and God has granted me and Josh the peace we prayed for concerning this major life changing decision. I will continue teaching science at CHS and doing all of the other stuff I do and I will help the new cheer coach in any way that I can.
Over the past 3 years I have had the blessed opportunity to watch a group of beautiful and talented girls grow into strong and independent young ladies and I have no doubt that they are going to take the world by storm wherever the Lord leads them. They have filled my life with so much laughter and joy over the past 3 years. Together we have made memories that will live on for years to come. I can only hope that they know how much they mean to me and the impact that they have had on my life. God placed me in this position for a reason and I pray that I did what He called me to do, which was so much more than just winning titles.
I'm thankful for all of the love and support that I have been shown over the past 3 years as I learned how to navigate this truly difficult job. Cheer is so much more than most people could ever even begin to imagine. And I undeniably loved almost every minute of it! Through all of the teenage drama, endless ballgames, injuries and sicknesses, victories and defeats, one thing never changed... we were a team and we were in it together.
To the girls and their parents, my co-workers and administration, the students of CHS, the community of Curry, UCA and Varsity-- Thank you. This has been an incredible journey for which I will always be thankful. I will never forget this time period in my life and I am forever grateful for all of those who supported, loved, and encouraged me along the way.
We're going to end our time together in style.. At the UCA National High School Cheerleading Championship in Disney World. We leave 3 weeks from today. And I have no doubt that my girls are going to give the world one last big reminder of who they are and what they can do. I can't wait to watch them take those mats. They've worked all year for this one moment and they are going to be amazing, I have no doubt. And I'm thankful that I get that one last opportunity to spend time with them in the happiest place on earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then, of course... There is the cath.
33 days. We have 33 days until we have to hand our boy over for the first step of a two-step process. On February 17th Jack will undergo his third heart cath. They will put him to sleep and then go in through the groin and up into his heart to look around and decide for sure the path that they need to take for his upcoming surgery.
33 days feels like an eternity. 33 days to live every waking second with only one real thought in my head- my baby on that table. Its just shy of too much to handle.
Over the next 33 days we will work our way through the explanation and preparation process. We want Jack to understand as much as his sweet little 4 year old mind can understand about what is going on and why this is happening to him. We want him to feel ready, strong, and brave. We are praying that God will equip him with all of those things and more when the time comes. Our faith is strong and we are ready to face it. As ready as we will ever be.
If all goes according to plan, and that is a big IF because it did not go as planned for us last time, then we will be scheduling surgery for right after I get out of school so that I can have the entire summer to be home with him for recovery.
We are praying for a completely and totally different experience this time around. Anyone who kept up with our story last time knows that Jack had a very difficult time with his Glenn surgery. He didn't respond as most kids do to the new blood flow and his sats stayed dangerously low for nearly a month. We watched our son grow sicker and weaker for almost a month in the CICU until God gave us the miracle that we had been waiting for. And as they say, the rest is history. It is, however, a history that our hearts will never forget. And this is one of the most compelling causes for our deep seated anxiety as we move into round 2.
That being said, let me be clear about one thing. I KNOW the God that we serve is bigger than CHD. My fears are human fears. I'm a mom. My world revolves around my boys. BUT my faith is in the Lord and I know that He will provide. He has constantly been pouring His grace over me and my family as we have walked through this journey and I know that these coming months He will continue to do so.
This time we are facing a completely different situation. Our son is not a baby anymore. He's a little boy. Full of fire and life. He is, I'm quite certain, the smartest 4 year old on the planet. He doesn't miss a thing. And he will be completely aware of all that is happening to him this time. Only, he's not old enough to understand why. Actually, I still don't understand why. I know that God has a why and He will tell me someday but for now we just have to keep on trusting in Him and His plan for our earthly future. And at the end of the day, no matter the struggles and no matter the pain, our God will provide.
At the end of this year my family and I are going to go to Disney World. It will be Jack's third trip and Harrison's first. We, of course, can't wait. We love Disney. Like, a lot. And when we get there I can't wait to look back on this year and know that all of it is over. The cath, the surgery, the fear, the struggle. It will be over. And we're going to celebrate with Mickey and some magic. As for what happens after that... that will just be for God to decide. And He has taken good care of us so far so I feel pretty good about Him being in the driver's seat.
So here we are. At the beginning of a new year and the road ahead is going to be a little different this time around. Two big things are coming up for me and my family this year...
So first of all...
I officially resigned as the varsity cheer coach at Curry. At the end of this school year I will be passing the torch along to someone else. I was going to wait until we got back from Disney and our official cheer year ended to share the news but word has gotten out and several people have already asked me about it and I wanted to make sure that I got the opportunity to explain my decision before the unavoidable speculation began. This decision came after much prayer and serious consideration but it came down to the overwhelming time commitment and with Jack's surgery coming up and Harrison growing like a weed before our very eyes, the timing is right and God has granted me and Josh the peace we prayed for concerning this major life changing decision. I will continue teaching science at CHS and doing all of the other stuff I do and I will help the new cheer coach in any way that I can.
Over the past 3 years I have had the blessed opportunity to watch a group of beautiful and talented girls grow into strong and independent young ladies and I have no doubt that they are going to take the world by storm wherever the Lord leads them. They have filled my life with so much laughter and joy over the past 3 years. Together we have made memories that will live on for years to come. I can only hope that they know how much they mean to me and the impact that they have had on my life. God placed me in this position for a reason and I pray that I did what He called me to do, which was so much more than just winning titles.
I'm thankful for all of the love and support that I have been shown over the past 3 years as I learned how to navigate this truly difficult job. Cheer is so much more than most people could ever even begin to imagine. And I undeniably loved almost every minute of it! Through all of the teenage drama, endless ballgames, injuries and sicknesses, victories and defeats, one thing never changed... we were a team and we were in it together.
To the girls and their parents, my co-workers and administration, the students of CHS, the community of Curry, UCA and Varsity-- Thank you. This has been an incredible journey for which I will always be thankful. I will never forget this time period in my life and I am forever grateful for all of those who supported, loved, and encouraged me along the way.
We're going to end our time together in style.. At the UCA National High School Cheerleading Championship in Disney World. We leave 3 weeks from today. And I have no doubt that my girls are going to give the world one last big reminder of who they are and what they can do. I can't wait to watch them take those mats. They've worked all year for this one moment and they are going to be amazing, I have no doubt. And I'm thankful that I get that one last opportunity to spend time with them in the happiest place on earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then, of course... There is the cath.
33 days. We have 33 days until we have to hand our boy over for the first step of a two-step process. On February 17th Jack will undergo his third heart cath. They will put him to sleep and then go in through the groin and up into his heart to look around and decide for sure the path that they need to take for his upcoming surgery.
33 days feels like an eternity. 33 days to live every waking second with only one real thought in my head- my baby on that table. Its just shy of too much to handle.
Over the next 33 days we will work our way through the explanation and preparation process. We want Jack to understand as much as his sweet little 4 year old mind can understand about what is going on and why this is happening to him. We want him to feel ready, strong, and brave. We are praying that God will equip him with all of those things and more when the time comes. Our faith is strong and we are ready to face it. As ready as we will ever be.
If all goes according to plan, and that is a big IF because it did not go as planned for us last time, then we will be scheduling surgery for right after I get out of school so that I can have the entire summer to be home with him for recovery.
We are praying for a completely and totally different experience this time around. Anyone who kept up with our story last time knows that Jack had a very difficult time with his Glenn surgery. He didn't respond as most kids do to the new blood flow and his sats stayed dangerously low for nearly a month. We watched our son grow sicker and weaker for almost a month in the CICU until God gave us the miracle that we had been waiting for. And as they say, the rest is history. It is, however, a history that our hearts will never forget. And this is one of the most compelling causes for our deep seated anxiety as we move into round 2.
That being said, let me be clear about one thing. I KNOW the God that we serve is bigger than CHD. My fears are human fears. I'm a mom. My world revolves around my boys. BUT my faith is in the Lord and I know that He will provide. He has constantly been pouring His grace over me and my family as we have walked through this journey and I know that these coming months He will continue to do so.
This time we are facing a completely different situation. Our son is not a baby anymore. He's a little boy. Full of fire and life. He is, I'm quite certain, the smartest 4 year old on the planet. He doesn't miss a thing. And he will be completely aware of all that is happening to him this time. Only, he's not old enough to understand why. Actually, I still don't understand why. I know that God has a why and He will tell me someday but for now we just have to keep on trusting in Him and His plan for our earthly future. And at the end of the day, no matter the struggles and no matter the pain, our God will provide.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4: 6-7
At the end of this year my family and I are going to go to Disney World. It will be Jack's third trip and Harrison's first. We, of course, can't wait. We love Disney. Like, a lot. And when we get there I can't wait to look back on this year and know that all of it is over. The cath, the surgery, the fear, the struggle. It will be over. And we're going to celebrate with Mickey and some magic. As for what happens after that... that will just be for God to decide. And He has taken good care of us so far so I feel pretty good about Him being in the driver's seat.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
Bringing Home Baby Brother
At 8:53am on Friday, July 3rd, 2015 a cry rang out in a cold, white room as Harrison Asher Odom took his first breath.
The morning had been hectic. I didn't get any sleep and had to get up super early to get myself, my family, and all of my stuff ready and loaded up to go bring another person into the world. In the weeks leading up to Harrison's birthday I realized how different this experience was going to be than it was when Jack was born. We have been assured (after MUCH testing) that this baby was going to come out healthy and happy. This meant an entirely different experience awaited us. I'm thankful for my go-to new-mom best friend, Morgan, who patiently answered every single question that I had about what to pack and what to expect.
After wayyy too much thinking and stressing, I packed, we loaded up, and we headed to the hospital. We managed to get all of our stuff, including our sleepy and grumpy toddler up to the room. The nurses immediately told me to get into my gown and we would get started. Just like that. It's baby time.
They started with lots of questions, a painful IV, weird and uncomfortable pressure socks, really yucky tasting liquid medicine, and even more questions. I was SO blessed to have my life-long best friend's precious momma, Cindy to be my nurse. She was amazing and just like having my own mom there with me through it all.
After we got all of that pre-op stuff out of the way, we just started waiting. Surgery was scheduled for 8:00 sharp. For the next hour and a half lots of family shuffled through to give me their blessings before I went into surgery. Jack was in and out with different family members, not sure what to think about Mommy in the hospital bed.
My precious friend Megan came in about an hour before surgery. She was there as our birth photographer (and WOW! She was amazing! More about that to come…). Josh and Megan got all decked out in their sterile surgery gear before we went back to the OR. When it was time I asked if I could pee one more time and then I got wrapped up in my blankets and walked to the OR with Cindy.
When we got in there it was time for my spinal. This is a seriously scary part for me. I had no issues whatsoever with Jack so I knew it would be fine but still, scary nonetheless. I immediately started shaking… More from the nerves than from the actual cold but it WAS seriously cold in there. But, hey. This wasn't my first rodeo so no surprises and not-so-scary so far. I hopped up onto the table with my gown draped around me. Cindy stood in front of me for comfort. The absolutely precious anesthesiologist got started with the numbing shot first. Not fun but not unbearable. Then the big needle. I survived. Then the weird onset of numbness climbing up my body. A completely indescribable feeling. Then I was on my back being prepped for surgery.
At that point it was lots of nurses shuffling around doing prep work. They would speak to me from time to time and speak to each other. I just laid there anticipating the first cry of my new baby boy. What was he going to look like? Blonde hair or red hair like Jack... or no hair at all? Was he going to be a 12 pounder?
After all the prep work was done, one of my favorite people on the planet came into the room and loved on me. Her sweet words and warm smile brought me comfort in one of those 'Someone is about to cut my body open and pull a human out' moments. She was my doctor- the one who was gonna do the cutting and the baby pulling. But more importantly, she was my friend. And what a blessing it was to have her play such an important role on such an important day in my life. I'm forever grateful to her for choosing to be there with me on that day.
Baby time.
Josh and Megan were brought back in and Josh sat on the left side of my head while Megan walked quietly around the room doing her fabulous photog-ing. It was time and I was ready. I was fuzzy brained so I don't remember every detail but I do remember this...
Cindy- "Crystal!! He has a head FULL of dark hair!"
Me- "Are you serious?"
The whole time I was pregnant people asked me this question... Do you think he will have blonde hair or red hair like Jack? No one, including myself, gave this kid a chance of having dark hair. Not to mention that Jack was quite bald. So we were expecting little to no hair at all. But we would soon find out that our little H... He's his own little person. Not much like his brother at all. And it started with that head full of dark brown hair.
Before we knew it he was out, Tal was holding him up so I could see him. And he was absolute perfection. Then he was off to be cleaned up.
7pounds and 10 ounces. 19 and a quarter inches long.
Perfect sats. Yay.
Then they handed him to Josh and my foggy brain watched them walk out of the cold white room.
As soon as they left I realized how cold I was. The excitement was over. Now it was time to put me back together... and I was all alone. It felt like it took an eternity. I wanted my baby. I wanted my husband to hold my hand. My foggy brain was confused about why they left and where they were going.
I shook hard while they worked hard to close me back up. My teeth chattered and I was nauseated and my body and my brain felt weird. My shoulder hurt for some reason. I still don't know why. I prayed. I missed my family. I cried. I was glad that Talia and Cindy were in there with me. They checked on me from time to time and Tal told the anesthesiologist that I was probably nauseated and wouldn't tell her if I was. She was right. So they gave me medicine that helped. Then I was just cold again.
When they finally finished they put 1000 warm blankets on me but I kept on shaking. Cindy said its because the inside of my body was cold too. I couldn't think straight because of all of the shaking. Then they moved me over to my bed and wheeled me to my recovery room.
Then, finally... my family.
Now, I have to be honest... The whole rest of that first day is just a complete blur. I remember all of the people coming in and out but I don't remember any specifics. They gave me a pain pump. Cindy came in to tell me that if I press the button every time it lights up there won't be enough medicine left at the end of each hour.
--As soon as the feeling starts to come back it hurts. It hurts worse than anything you've ever felt in your whole life. And you don't want to move an inch. And you press the button because it helps with the pain but it also puts more fog into your brain.--
I fought to stay awake for the rest of the day to see all of the people who came to see me and H. One by one they cuddled my new sweet boy. He was perfect.
Jack came in with Josh and he looked at H like he was maybe an alien and maybe I was too because I was all hooked up to monitors and still in that scary hospital bed. But he eventually climbed up with me and cuddled me and he sat in a chair with his daddy and they looked at H together and touched his head before he had to run off and have more fun with all of the visitors and the presents they brought him.
The nurses said that I could get up at breakfast time in the morning. This was one of the biggest differences in my birth experiences. With Jack I was up within an hour of coming out of surgery. This time it was slow and steady. And I was miserable. I was sweaty and yucky and hot and had way too much stuff hooked to me. I couldn't deal with it any longer and at 4am I made Josh go get the nurse to come set me free. One by one she unhooked and disconnected me until I was completely free. Then it was time to sit up.
This was the moment I had dreaded since the day that I found out H was on the way. Josh got on one side of me and the nurse got on the other. I braced myself and then slowly started lifting forward. I got almost all the way up before I let go and crashed back down. I took a second and a big deep breath and then tried again. This time I got all the way up on the edge of the bed. Then it was time to stand. It took work and tears but I did it.
Then I did something crazy. I took a shower. By myself. I almost passed out at one point but I didn't so all things considered... I was pretty impressed with myself. I even put on make up and fixed my hair. Crazy right? As it turns out I think I was still just really heavily drugged because I didn't put on make-up again for like at least a week after that.
By the time I was out of the shower my little nugget was ready to nurse and then cuddle.
The next two days we had constant visitors. Harrison was passed around and cuddled and loved on. I cuddled him and soaked him in every second that someone else wasn't holding him. Jack came in and out with our parents. He held H in a chair and had his picture made. He climbed on my bed and danced around the room and played big and then left to go on more grandparent adventures while Mommy and H were still in the hospital.
Those two days were two of the sweetest days of my life. I felt like the most blessed person who has ever lived. I had been given everything I've ever wanted. I just soaked it all in and thanked God for these glorious blessings. I prayed over my boys and learned every nook and cranny of this new little face. I kissed him a million times. I loved him so much and it was brand new but I couldn't remember a time when I didn't love him. My heart was so full.
On the morning that H and I were to be discharged I woke up with a terrible headache. I am not one to get headaches so I assumed it was because I had been in the bed for 3 days. I took a shower before they brought my morning meds. That was a mistake. The headache got so bad that I blacked out in the shower. I got out and got dressed and when I started crying my mom called for the nurse. She came in and laid my bed all the way back and said that I had a spinal headache. She told me to drink lots of caffeine and lay flat on my back. It helped. They said that if it didn't go away in a couple of days I would have to come have a procedure done to make it go away. It didn't sound fun so I decided that I could just deal with the headache.
Then, me and H got dressed and ready to go. Josh loaded up the car and they wheeled me and H out of the hospital. We arrived at our house about 2 minutes later. That was the BEST part of living one mile from the hospital.
The reality set in shortly after we arrived home. Moving around was hard. Getting up and down was even harder. And we had a toddler who had missed us for 3 days and needed out attention and love. H was eating at least every 2 hours at that point and we were struggling a little bit with nursing. The hospital high was over and it was time to start this new chapter of our lives.
We survived the first day at home. I decided to sleep in the chair in the livingroom and we put Harrison's cradle next to my chair. The first few nights were hard. I was trying to heal from the surgery while getting up and down all night with a new baby who wasn't a fan of sleeping at night.
Then on the third day that we were home I woke up with Bell's Palsy. I had never even heard of it so needless to say, it scared me. I called Morgan who called her mom who then called me and talked me down off the edge of a total breakdown. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even make words to explain what was happening. I got it out though and she reassured me that it sounded like Bell's Palsy and that it would go away. I made an appointment with Talia and later that day she then confirmed that it was BP and prescribed me the medicine I needed to help it go away quicker. It lasted for about a week and then started to slowly fade. It took a good 2-3 weeks to go away completely.
H checked out healthy and happy at his one month appointment with Dr. Farr. He weighed in at 7 pounds and 8 ounces. He was eating better and just so stinking cute.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day after tomorrow will be my sweet little guy's three month birthday. Time flies.
We've gotten into a really good little routine and H is almost sleeping all night these days. He is the sweetest baby. He smiles all the time. He never cries unless he's hungry... but when he's hungry, you better be ready right that minute or its going to be ugly. He hates his carseat. He loves his lamb swing. He's a morning guy like his mommy. He LOVES his brother, even though he can be pretty rough. He loves to be cuddled. He falls asleep during his bath some nights when he's extra tired. He giggles at his daddy. He loves to have his head scratched and his butt patted. He's the happiest baby and he's the perfect addition to our little world. God made him just for us and he fits like a puzzle piece that has been missing all these years.
I'm not sure if our puzzle is complete now or not. God will let us know eventually one way or the other.But for now, I am soaking up every single second I get being a mommy to the two sweetest boys in the world and praying that God will make time slow down so that I can hold them a little longer.
The morning had been hectic. I didn't get any sleep and had to get up super early to get myself, my family, and all of my stuff ready and loaded up to go bring another person into the world. In the weeks leading up to Harrison's birthday I realized how different this experience was going to be than it was when Jack was born. We have been assured (after MUCH testing) that this baby was going to come out healthy and happy. This meant an entirely different experience awaited us. I'm thankful for my go-to new-mom best friend, Morgan, who patiently answered every single question that I had about what to pack and what to expect.
After wayyy too much thinking and stressing, I packed, we loaded up, and we headed to the hospital. We managed to get all of our stuff, including our sleepy and grumpy toddler up to the room. The nurses immediately told me to get into my gown and we would get started. Just like that. It's baby time.
They started with lots of questions, a painful IV, weird and uncomfortable pressure socks, really yucky tasting liquid medicine, and even more questions. I was SO blessed to have my life-long best friend's precious momma, Cindy to be my nurse. She was amazing and just like having my own mom there with me through it all.
After we got all of that pre-op stuff out of the way, we just started waiting. Surgery was scheduled for 8:00 sharp. For the next hour and a half lots of family shuffled through to give me their blessings before I went into surgery. Jack was in and out with different family members, not sure what to think about Mommy in the hospital bed.
My precious friend Megan came in about an hour before surgery. She was there as our birth photographer (and WOW! She was amazing! More about that to come…). Josh and Megan got all decked out in their sterile surgery gear before we went back to the OR. When it was time I asked if I could pee one more time and then I got wrapped up in my blankets and walked to the OR with Cindy.
When we got in there it was time for my spinal. This is a seriously scary part for me. I had no issues whatsoever with Jack so I knew it would be fine but still, scary nonetheless. I immediately started shaking… More from the nerves than from the actual cold but it WAS seriously cold in there. But, hey. This wasn't my first rodeo so no surprises and not-so-scary so far. I hopped up onto the table with my gown draped around me. Cindy stood in front of me for comfort. The absolutely precious anesthesiologist got started with the numbing shot first. Not fun but not unbearable. Then the big needle. I survived. Then the weird onset of numbness climbing up my body. A completely indescribable feeling. Then I was on my back being prepped for surgery.
At that point it was lots of nurses shuffling around doing prep work. They would speak to me from time to time and speak to each other. I just laid there anticipating the first cry of my new baby boy. What was he going to look like? Blonde hair or red hair like Jack... or no hair at all? Was he going to be a 12 pounder?
After all the prep work was done, one of my favorite people on the planet came into the room and loved on me. Her sweet words and warm smile brought me comfort in one of those 'Someone is about to cut my body open and pull a human out' moments. She was my doctor- the one who was gonna do the cutting and the baby pulling. But more importantly, she was my friend. And what a blessing it was to have her play such an important role on such an important day in my life. I'm forever grateful to her for choosing to be there with me on that day.
Baby time.
Josh and Megan were brought back in and Josh sat on the left side of my head while Megan walked quietly around the room doing her fabulous photog-ing. It was time and I was ready. I was fuzzy brained so I don't remember every detail but I do remember this...
Cindy- "Crystal!! He has a head FULL of dark hair!"
Me- "Are you serious?"
The whole time I was pregnant people asked me this question... Do you think he will have blonde hair or red hair like Jack? No one, including myself, gave this kid a chance of having dark hair. Not to mention that Jack was quite bald. So we were expecting little to no hair at all. But we would soon find out that our little H... He's his own little person. Not much like his brother at all. And it started with that head full of dark brown hair.
Before we knew it he was out, Tal was holding him up so I could see him. And he was absolute perfection. Then he was off to be cleaned up.
7pounds and 10 ounces. 19 and a quarter inches long.
Perfect sats. Yay.
Then they handed him to Josh and my foggy brain watched them walk out of the cold white room.
As soon as they left I realized how cold I was. The excitement was over. Now it was time to put me back together... and I was all alone. It felt like it took an eternity. I wanted my baby. I wanted my husband to hold my hand. My foggy brain was confused about why they left and where they were going.
I shook hard while they worked hard to close me back up. My teeth chattered and I was nauseated and my body and my brain felt weird. My shoulder hurt for some reason. I still don't know why. I prayed. I missed my family. I cried. I was glad that Talia and Cindy were in there with me. They checked on me from time to time and Tal told the anesthesiologist that I was probably nauseated and wouldn't tell her if I was. She was right. So they gave me medicine that helped. Then I was just cold again.
When they finally finished they put 1000 warm blankets on me but I kept on shaking. Cindy said its because the inside of my body was cold too. I couldn't think straight because of all of the shaking. Then they moved me over to my bed and wheeled me to my recovery room.
Then, finally... my family.
Now, I have to be honest... The whole rest of that first day is just a complete blur. I remember all of the people coming in and out but I don't remember any specifics. They gave me a pain pump. Cindy came in to tell me that if I press the button every time it lights up there won't be enough medicine left at the end of each hour.
--As soon as the feeling starts to come back it hurts. It hurts worse than anything you've ever felt in your whole life. And you don't want to move an inch. And you press the button because it helps with the pain but it also puts more fog into your brain.--
I fought to stay awake for the rest of the day to see all of the people who came to see me and H. One by one they cuddled my new sweet boy. He was perfect.
Jack came in with Josh and he looked at H like he was maybe an alien and maybe I was too because I was all hooked up to monitors and still in that scary hospital bed. But he eventually climbed up with me and cuddled me and he sat in a chair with his daddy and they looked at H together and touched his head before he had to run off and have more fun with all of the visitors and the presents they brought him.
The nurses said that I could get up at breakfast time in the morning. This was one of the biggest differences in my birth experiences. With Jack I was up within an hour of coming out of surgery. This time it was slow and steady. And I was miserable. I was sweaty and yucky and hot and had way too much stuff hooked to me. I couldn't deal with it any longer and at 4am I made Josh go get the nurse to come set me free. One by one she unhooked and disconnected me until I was completely free. Then it was time to sit up.
This was the moment I had dreaded since the day that I found out H was on the way. Josh got on one side of me and the nurse got on the other. I braced myself and then slowly started lifting forward. I got almost all the way up before I let go and crashed back down. I took a second and a big deep breath and then tried again. This time I got all the way up on the edge of the bed. Then it was time to stand. It took work and tears but I did it.
Then I did something crazy. I took a shower. By myself. I almost passed out at one point but I didn't so all things considered... I was pretty impressed with myself. I even put on make up and fixed my hair. Crazy right? As it turns out I think I was still just really heavily drugged because I didn't put on make-up again for like at least a week after that.
By the time I was out of the shower my little nugget was ready to nurse and then cuddle.
The next two days we had constant visitors. Harrison was passed around and cuddled and loved on. I cuddled him and soaked him in every second that someone else wasn't holding him. Jack came in and out with our parents. He held H in a chair and had his picture made. He climbed on my bed and danced around the room and played big and then left to go on more grandparent adventures while Mommy and H were still in the hospital.
Those two days were two of the sweetest days of my life. I felt like the most blessed person who has ever lived. I had been given everything I've ever wanted. I just soaked it all in and thanked God for these glorious blessings. I prayed over my boys and learned every nook and cranny of this new little face. I kissed him a million times. I loved him so much and it was brand new but I couldn't remember a time when I didn't love him. My heart was so full.
On the morning that H and I were to be discharged I woke up with a terrible headache. I am not one to get headaches so I assumed it was because I had been in the bed for 3 days. I took a shower before they brought my morning meds. That was a mistake. The headache got so bad that I blacked out in the shower. I got out and got dressed and when I started crying my mom called for the nurse. She came in and laid my bed all the way back and said that I had a spinal headache. She told me to drink lots of caffeine and lay flat on my back. It helped. They said that if it didn't go away in a couple of days I would have to come have a procedure done to make it go away. It didn't sound fun so I decided that I could just deal with the headache.
Then, me and H got dressed and ready to go. Josh loaded up the car and they wheeled me and H out of the hospital. We arrived at our house about 2 minutes later. That was the BEST part of living one mile from the hospital.
The reality set in shortly after we arrived home. Moving around was hard. Getting up and down was even harder. And we had a toddler who had missed us for 3 days and needed out attention and love. H was eating at least every 2 hours at that point and we were struggling a little bit with nursing. The hospital high was over and it was time to start this new chapter of our lives.
We survived the first day at home. I decided to sleep in the chair in the livingroom and we put Harrison's cradle next to my chair. The first few nights were hard. I was trying to heal from the surgery while getting up and down all night with a new baby who wasn't a fan of sleeping at night.
Then on the third day that we were home I woke up with Bell's Palsy. I had never even heard of it so needless to say, it scared me. I called Morgan who called her mom who then called me and talked me down off the edge of a total breakdown. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even make words to explain what was happening. I got it out though and she reassured me that it sounded like Bell's Palsy and that it would go away. I made an appointment with Talia and later that day she then confirmed that it was BP and prescribed me the medicine I needed to help it go away quicker. It lasted for about a week and then started to slowly fade. It took a good 2-3 weeks to go away completely.
H checked out healthy and happy at his one month appointment with Dr. Farr. He weighed in at 7 pounds and 8 ounces. He was eating better and just so stinking cute.
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Day after tomorrow will be my sweet little guy's three month birthday. Time flies.
We've gotten into a really good little routine and H is almost sleeping all night these days. He is the sweetest baby. He smiles all the time. He never cries unless he's hungry... but when he's hungry, you better be ready right that minute or its going to be ugly. He hates his carseat. He loves his lamb swing. He's a morning guy like his mommy. He LOVES his brother, even though he can be pretty rough. He loves to be cuddled. He falls asleep during his bath some nights when he's extra tired. He giggles at his daddy. He loves to have his head scratched and his butt patted. He's the happiest baby and he's the perfect addition to our little world. God made him just for us and he fits like a puzzle piece that has been missing all these years.
I'm not sure if our puzzle is complete now or not. God will let us know eventually one way or the other.But for now, I am soaking up every single second I get being a mommy to the two sweetest boys in the world and praying that God will make time slow down so that I can hold them a little longer.
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